it was right at my fingertips

but for the xth time, i let it slip away

someone once told me (or rather i read from somewhr) that she hates the fact that i think/infer too much. but i feel that things arent as simple as they seem at times.

so now while i'm blogging here in the comfort of my own home, the team should be slogging it out on court.
i'm gna gym and run ltr on to feel less guilty. and maybe head over to KNC to train with the snrs

today, i woke up at 6.15AM to eat breakfast. i usually dont.

i clipped up my hair.

i brought a towel.

i took 97e instead of 97 at the bus berth for fear of being late for training.

yet i never did get to do courtwork, because i was sent home by ms loo for not wearing the school skirt :(

i dont deserve this. not an inch of me deserves it.
i'm not working hard enough.
i'm not committed enough.
i'm not driven enough.
i dont give enough a damn.
i'm not responsible enough.
i'm not disciplined enough. not enough to even find myself another fking skirt.
once, twice, now three times.
boy have i learnt my lesson.

you told me, "you're capable of much more than what you're doing now, but are you willing to work for it? if you put in 100% in all your trainings, i can assure that you'll get into b'div."

but i guess it isnt just abt getting into the team and playing for the sch and winning and having recognition.
thr's so much more to being a true netballer.
it isnt just abt being in a club and matching up with all the better players around.
thr's more to this, thr has to be.
it's not just flinging balls across the court, its not just sprinting and jumping and dodging and rolling and lunging and clearing and changing of direction and killing of braincells etc
i know thr is a whole new level i have yet to reach nor experience.

its one thing to go all out using your physique,
and another to go all out using your heart.

RV netballer? nah, what netballer..

i need my identity back.

as we go on, we remember

all the times we had together.

________________________________________

yesterday 6 nov 2008 :

ytd was RV's annual learning symposium and i (along with joshua, shirley, yuxian, suzanne, claire, wenting and abigail) skipped all the boring lectures/workshops to tend 2B's game stall.
can say that we did pretty well because we came in fourth in the competition :D
am just so glad that the last big project we got to do as a class was such a success!
oh and we all (2B) pencils had our arms/faces/hair painted it was all very very hip.
indescribable gaiety and life in the hall.
2A's game was quite funny. very entertaining.
well, almost everything that has got to do with blindfolds are.
2H's game was rlyyyyyyyyy cute hahaha yeyun kristal trik and i played doubles.
not tennis luh, just in case you were wondering.

then trik and i went to ikea/anchorpoint to look for gifts. class farewell presents that sorta stuff
ended up spending nearly all our assets on sausage buns, icecream, chicken wings, bread, eggs and tea.
hahah i was close to getting something but they didnt have it in a quantity of thirrty sooooo.. sigh. sorry guys

rushed for speed7 training thereafter and was late by five mins. thank goodness they werent about to start yet!
got our team tees alr :D
yellow and red dri-fit tees. quite nifty
couldnt focus entirely and i only have chan yu xian to blame.
she messaged me right before my training started, when i was on the way, asking me to contribute an ending statement to the class montage.
so i had to think. a lot. reminisce. walk down memory lane.
all you (2B) pencils were still weighing on my mind throughout my whole traininggggg
i performed okay for it though.
buck up x 100000000000000000000000
i can do it :D

________________________________________

today:

was very sad.
the above fragment is an understatement

when the montage was played on the screen in class, wenting and ali broke down.
the others followed suit subsequently.
it was a downer situation.
i was trying damn hard to contain all that melancholy and dofuleness.
i hurried downstairs to whr all the netballers were, hoping that the tears wouldnt fall but i couldnt help it. so i ran back up to whr the rest of 2B were hiding/crying and i sequentially hugged every single one of them (mostly girls) left in what would soon be our ex-territory.
missed part of ms loo's celebration cos i couldnt bear to go down.
missed more of the celebration cos TM claire and i went to the hall to listen to live RFIY.
i didnt even cry so much when my P6 class was parting.
sigh but i found solace upon reminding myself (constantly) that our class chalet is just tmr :)

after weights training, munched and talked a bit with the netballers before going off to join the class at JP lib.
walao TM claire and jerome (whom i thought were absolutely nice cos they went to fetch me) totally played a prank on me hahaha.
read.
truth-or-truthed.
laughed.
trained home.

a list of 10 reasons as to why i will miss 2B so fking much

1. we have awesome class chairpersons (and congrats to shirley for winning best chairperson award :D). they're so good we are always spoon-fed/have nothing class-related to worry about
2. no one (not at all) is ostracized here in this class.
   
3. WEST MALAYSIA TRIP !!!
   
4. thr's rarely a dull moment. someone's always being silly/retarded/cute/stupid
5. you guys are super duper pooper encouraging, motivating, caring, supportive and everything nice
6. we had cool teachers like ms chew
7. PE is always fun (cos of you guys, even running is)
   
8. we are quite a qwerty, unrestrained bunch :)
9. bonded. though the guys and girls still sit at separated tables most of the times hahaha
10. last but not least, i will miss 2B so fking much because i had an awesome x 100000000000000000000 tablemate.

we started off as a class of thirty two, then thirty one. after two years of insane fun, constant teasing (even bullying), and rough, sad moments, we are right now just one.
toast up to the coolest class.
2B, together forever, truly.

i love you guys very much.

it seems all of these words couldn't be further from the truth

how did i get here? what did i do?

MINOTAURRRR OWNNNSSSSSSSSSSS :D :D :D
eat that, unicorns (tm especially) !!!
i was cheeeering like a retarded mad-ass. all the netballers were hahaha
and we played the "johny johny johny johny who's johny who's johny" thing and after quite a while, everyone except for kristal got it.
she's like the most tardy person ever
quite an enjoyable sports day even though my throat's hoarse and very worn from all that screaming and shoutinggg
my fav cheer is the peel banana one its damn gay dont you all agree
um i ran (4x100m relay)
we didnt win anything and it wasn't exactly glamorous either, but at least my hair wasn't centre-parted when i was going against the wind hahaha
was the last runnerrrrrrr. thanks for the encouragement :)

anyw, we were released three hours after the scheduled time
had a short bully gang outing after it!
went to watch





















at the cathay and it was awfully disenchanting :(
the only reason why i'd advocate this movie - you get to see zac efron on a damn big screeen

oh i do like this song though.
can i have this dance


hanged around at gramophone.
wrote on a post-it at the "to-do" board.

spot our little note :)


whrvr we are, the one person who's always in our hearts.
oh its not self-delusion btw, it's absolutely true that MC loves BG hohoho

then we separated.
then i went to meet joong at marina bay then he sent me back to yew teee. slept all the way hahha sorry i was such great company

will be going out to have supper (instead of dinner as we originally intended cos i'm way too tired right now) with alfred and joong ltr on.

will be on a word-blogging hiatus till everything feels fine agn.

till then,
xoxo

p.s. we will never ever give up on you.

tell me why, ain't nothing but a heartache

tell me why, ain't nothing but a mistake.

now i can see that we're falling apart
from the way that we used to be.
no matter the distance, i want you to know
that deep down inside of me:
you are my fire, the one desire.

_______________________________________

i dont have much to post abt tdy but blogging has become a habit/routine

SC investiture.
and it's aftermath we were burdened with (um carrying chairs up to the gallery).

training/four quarters with each other.
think all-blacks (seven of us :D) managed pretty well as a team/group considering that we didnt have any substitutes etc.
i wasnt well-conditioned to play though. leeyin performed great tdy !!! :D
weights and after that, unglam abs exercises on the track

cabbed back with huey.
she can be quite a show-off at times.
when we drove past ethel and gang, she made the driver honk hahaha

_______________________________________



outside KNC sometime back.

_______________________________________

do you ever think about me?
do you ever cry yourself to sleep?
in the middle of the night when you're awake,
are you calling out for me?
do you ever reminisce?
i cant believe i'm acting like this
i know it's crazy
how i still can feel your kiss

do you ever ask about me?
do your friends still tell you what to do?
every time the phone rings,
do you wish it was me calling you?
do you still feel the same?
or has time put out the flame?
i miss you,
is everything okay?

it's hard enough just passing the time
when i cant seem to get you off my mind
and where is the good in goodbye?
tell me why, tell me why

answer, answer all my qtns

when will the rosies grow again the rivers flow again

not till you come back to me.

_______________________________________________

UPDATE @ 11.39PM
going out with joong totally perked me up :D


he's sick. likes to take close-up pics


they ran out of chicago cheesecake! but mudpie was good too.
and the way to my heart is through my mouth

thanks for the treat, and for making tdy worthwhile :)

_______________________________________________

so i'm feeling quite emotional right now. not the emoistic lock-myself-in-a-room-and-cut-wrist kind, but the reminiscing/a-walk-done-memory-lane kind.

was randomly bloghopping from a churchmate's blog and i chanced upon an awfully sad blog.
i dont know if i shd post the link here because i dont think she needs anymore publicity, but i'll just share her side of the story.

she's 22 this year, and her boyf/partner (an NSman) passed away quite recently.
in her little web space she posted about the days she wished he was still around,
"to hug the bad feelings away";
so they could catch the newly released movie tgt;
to listen to her insane rants abt whtvr nots;
so she could dissolve into his arms and feel that kiss on the crown of her head;
so they could spend the rainy days reading, snuggling up against each other.
the saddest post of all was the birthday one (i read almost all her archives btw), whr she reccounted that went to the columnbariam equipped with a chocolate cake, a card, her love and her pressence, to celebrate the day god delivered him to earth.
i hope i will never have to experience anything like this for i can alr feel her pain, infinite and boundless like impending thorns growing in her heart, ridding her of all mortal love she once felt, just by reading all those words.
it's more than hard to live when that one special person is gone forever.

like you can cry every night, you can cry till every part of your body hurts, you can cry till your heart literally aches, you can cry till the lights in all the apartments around yours get turned off, you can cry till dawn breaks,
but nothing will change.

so move on.

because,
"every night i miss you i can just look up
and know the stars are holding you,
holding you,
holding you tonight."

- FM Static's Tonight

remember to cherish. always

so hold me close and say three words like you used to do

its rly all about you.

"Failure is an event, never a person."
- Beerbohm Max

at 9AM, i was walking around in JP with weijie. to look for claire's birthday gift
but all the stores were closed except for mac/subway/kfc etc
hahahaha silly of us. spent half the time in the arcade trying to win damn cute soft toys inside scam machines.
we didnt frame up 14 guitar picks in the end cos we couldnt buy enough picks :(
so we gave her some awfully random things put in an airlock container, hoped she liked it anyw :D

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CLAIRE BON!
you've got aura :)

lunched at pizza hut .. noise pollution manzxc !!! thr were like twenty of us (aye attendance btr than class outing can)
knocked my head against rafflesia's chair was freaking painful i almost forgot almond hahaha (joshua ang are you reading this?)
tricked bday girl with candles that constantly reignite no matter how hard/many times you blow. hahahaha i think someone videoed it. damn funny

went to the arcade agn, this time with alllll of them. i left ten mins before threee. trained down to my greatgrandparents' place (which is whr i am blogging from now)
... ONLY TO REALISE THAT I'M FREAKING EARLY.
i think everyone else's gna come at like 6PM.
so i helped out with the decor and i fell from the ladder zomggggg hhahahahha

and hey, i still wna say sknaht for everything :D
sknaht for everything
sknaht for everything
sknaht for everything
sknaht for everything
sknaht for everything
sknaht for everything
sknaht for everything
sknaht for everything
sknaht for everything
sknaht for everything

hahahaha

xoxo

i'm a big big girl in a big big world

its not a big big thing if you leave me. or if i leave you

i wont even fking care if you disappear from the face of earth. never again will i have anything to do with you. let's draw the line, for real this time.

______________________________________

so my daddy should be in taiwan now. didnt go to church cos of some family issues tdy morning. my mom, bro and i ended up at causeway point whr we spent four hundred dollars.

my new pencil case. no joke

retail therapy came too early.

but perhaps, thr is a btr alternative. one which numbs totally

i choose to have no air.

retail therapy

it can happen to anyone of us, say you will forgive me

screw the (or rather, my) blogging hiatus, or screw me if you wish because i initiated it. i need to rant and i need someone to hear (or read). someone true, hopefully you.
true friends see things in me i dont know of myself.
like a pile of beautiful mess, instead of shrunken shit and what not.
for some reasons i will not admit myself, i am not looking forward to my month's worth of break. i think the insane shitzxc pile of homework and my outside commitments (you know you can love something but hate it at the same time, this it it) will kill me. i guess netball has meek importance this holiday because i am not involved in a big part of it. God, i feel so small.
or maybe i am just scared of finding what's on the other side of this world, and the fact that this side waiting to be uncovered, though carefully hidden from a child's eyes, is not very different from what i know.
thing is, i know a lot. more than i should. i hate what i know.
but really, knowing something doesnt make it any easier for you to accept it. false pretence.
some things will never change.
i am certain about my disdain, so thats not something worth any of you (who knows) fretting over.

never made it as a wise man/

i skipped service today, because i didnt feel like it. instead, i snuggled up at the couch in the other part of the building reading jodi picoult's the pact. i'm done with it and its up for grabs (after livia, that is).
plus i needed quiet time. to recover from my hangover.

sins of omissions, i must have overlooked them ten million times.

ahya i shall not engulf myself in reprop qwerty thoughts and suffocate to death. i have pictures but blogger is unfortunately, furged up. perhaps, viewer descretion is advised that's why, haha.

how many times have we thought nothing of these warnings and signs,

i think i'm going out (again) with xurong later.
oh and i need a dress (horror horror) for my dance night II! this time cleo will not go shopping with me because i have not (and will never) forgiven her for influencing me to buy that tp-er i ended up discarding into the give-aways.
i need someone (more) practical (whoops).

at the end of the day, have i really lost myself
would it take a lifetime

p.s. i cut my hair.

i cant hate you anymore

okay hello all well and fine people out there, i cant take it anymore.
i am bored to the brim and i just have to blog, those who stand in my way (like momocleotineo) will die.

i slept for about an hour in the sickbay just now. frankly it wasnt supposed to turn out like that. haha, but i really am sick.
the wonders of mindpower has no end.
anyw its good to be home early (i guess), because it leaves me with more quiet time to think about stuff and well, i can go find out more on mc and try to come up with plans!
oh and i also need to find a new skin for my WMP, i am sick of my current one.
hooray manzxc.
grahhhhhh (fish hyung) i really really really feel sick.

oh and as if being ill isnt enough, i came home to find my room looking so unfamiliar.
my furniture has been shifted and replaced with old, ugly ones and now my princess room is as empty as jerald's brain.
screams my head off and starts coughing badly, argh.

goodbye i shall go to sleep.

the road to hell is paved with good intentions

how very true.

well i had great fun with leumas eew (minus nicole lim) today! we caught what happens in vegas. its a good and funny no-brainer more-or-less chick flick, and i think cameron diaz and ashton kutcher had great on-screen chemistry.

spent twenty bucks at the arcade and laughed a lot playing this street fighting game (somewhat like tekkan) because i kept using this imba heavy-weight kungfu fighter who inflicted super lot of damage with his humongous chained iron-ball.

thank you so much :D

for today, and for your gift, although ... ...

and i'm really sorry.

i think i'll be going on a longgg hiatus.

or maybe a forever hiatus (although i doubt so).

when i dont feel that much of a monster (haha), i'll be back.

just to show you,

drink drink drink drink drink drink if you highlight you will know stuff you are better off not knowing.

oh dang walaoeh how

momocleotineo's birthday is in exactly two weeks and i feel the need to start planning/saving up for it alr.
i sort of have a vague idea what to do/get for her (think your heart out, my loser) but if i take into consideration my monetary issues (btw my cash on hand is currently negative $120) it is somewhat impossible.
she's always going like, "its your thought that counts", "dont need to buy me presents luh i mean, since when have you gotten me one manzxc" and "its just right to owe your bestie stuff".
but i know she wants it so badly i'll feel so horrible if i sit back relax and watch her heart yearn for it more than ever. plus, plus, plus i dont think i've really given her anything so its time to start.
JAMSTERS. hehe.
last year was whipped cream, this year.. hehe.
i miss momo.
i dont know where she is cos when i called her today morning (both her cell and her home phone) no one picked up!
i think she's still asleep.
walaoeh. idiot, haha.

mcfc pledges our undying love manzxc.
we've got a grande plan, and it will work (cos everything done in the name of love works).
cross our fingers mc'll pop by and say thanks (and yay we'll just swoon over her and hang on every word that comes out of her lips).
this better be worth all our efforts because, because, because i cancelled lunch with matt for this. what if he demands a letter to compensate, die

disparity.

cos you love me, and i hate you.
i'm right, you're wrong
move on.

we are barney and the backyard gang ta-dah ta-dah ta-dah ta-dah
and i still remember this song.
i want to go for barney's live show/concert!

i'm taking it easy, its getting better,
but just one move i know this will all go to waste

and so your main point is, question mark

bottomline.

okayi so rather rough day for me emotionally.
but, but, the little snippets of funny, qwerty times here and there definitely cheered me up two dozens.

one, for the first time in a century trik and i (actually only hyung luh) were late for weights (by fifteen minutes) because we lost track of time (while eating fruits and drinking apple juice and laughing about some insubstantial hilarious thing).
i betcha we would have reached the gym at like, four pm (just nice for me though) if not for my sudden awareness that there was no netballer in sight (and btw it was scheduled to start at 2.30pm for them).

two, ms chew had us (the class) going hysterical with her penning down the blackhole on hueychyi's "however" in her personal response question. poor bolun.

three, cleo (momocleotineo as of now) was being such a sweet idiot it felt so dang good talking to her. good is an understatement.

but i still feel empty.

anyway way way way way way way, i wrote something that sounds pretty much suicidal.
by any case it doesnt mean that i am, although the theme of it and my life seems to flow in the same vein. i call it

____________________

"fall and go"
i'd never fumbled with my words
and you took this all for granted
i'd said a dozen "i love you"s
i know you knew i meant each true

in you i found my comfort zone
still think i'll never be alone
however much, its killing me
to live this lie and let things be

they say i've gotta let go, taking it slow
i say i'm just gonna let the whole truth show

so i'll stand on the highest mountain
(where you brought me to, where i was with you)
there tears spill like a flowing fountain
(like the memories still, like the memories still)
i'll close my eyes,
fall away,
into emptiness,
the break of day,
praying that you'd catch me
(like you used to do, before we were through)
bring me back to life again
(make it less mundane)
wish things had never changed, stayed the same

you broke me gently piece by piece
seemed to you it was such a breeze
deadly silence, you walked out
my missing you was heard aloud

empty, broken, lost, a goner
not by volition makes me happier
but nothing compares to how
this dread that rings inside me now

they say i've gotta let go, taking it slow
i say i'm just gonna let the whole truth show

so i'll stand on the highest mountain
(where you brought me to, where i was with you)
there tears spill like a flowing fountain
(like the memories still, like the memories still)
i'll close my eyes,
fall away,
into emptiness,
the break of day,
praying that you'd catch me
(like you used to do, before we were through)
bring me back to life again
(make it less mundane)
wish things had never changed, stayed the same

____________________

if tomorrow never comes,