you're the most beautiful thing i've ever seen in my entire life

"but, don't you want to show me off to everyone else?" he asked. he toyed with, turned and adjusted the left snakebite-piercing on his lower lip. "ouch." he mumbled.

"why would i? you... brand-less thug!" she replied, trying hard to suppress her smile.

"hey that hurts." he took a step backwards with his hands clutched to his chest, pouting.

she put away the stacks of notes which she had been studying for the past hour, and for the first time in that day, glanced up and took a really good look of the beautiful person seated barely half a meter away.

she sighed, pinned up a few loose strands of hair dangling in her face, and then admitted sheepishly, "honestly i'd just like to keep you all to myself."
he played with the thoughts in his head for a while, before clasping his large, warm hands around hers.

"i'm like your secret world," he whispered.
"kept under wraps so tightly it's exciting.
no one knows who i am. or how i look like.
no one knows how it feels when you are safe with me.
no one knows where we ever go to.
i am your hiding place, your sanctuary, your favourite home.
you can sit with me for hours and we dont have to say a word.
you can tell me things i don't understand, and i'll always pretend i do.
i'll utter rubbish in return to make you laugh so hard you end up falling asleep.
we can walk together on opposite streets of a road, and still feel connected.
when we're together there's not a care in the world.
i am your best kept secret."

she held his hands more tightly than ever. "wow."
she said, "i think that was me, speaking through you."
she laughed nervously, amazed at the words - the perfect truth - which escaped from his lips - his perfect lips.

he kept silent for a minute.
and another minute.
and another minute.

and finally.

"my best kept secret?" he hesitated.
looking straight into her eyes with pain and anguish she never knew existed in him, he cried, "it's suffocating to be your best kept secret."

___________________________________________________

yesterday we started on our new weights program.
it's very much different from the prev one, like now thr's this new swissball thing which i find highly amusing! haha and the medicine ball throw. i'm always very afraid i'll like smash the (carpeted) floor or something.

after that we celebrated lois' belated birthday with a jelly cake that was really quite nice! :)

went down to KFC/KNC for club trg then della pranked me saying that it was cancelled grrrr haha.
was really shagged at the end of the day because only eight turned up for club trg so everyth we did was more concentrated on the few of us.
and there was so much lower-body/leg work! argh
despite having gotten jelly legs, was still fun luh :) :)

and ahem a ten-second scene which made my day/night:

miss chen: hi sarah.

me: *smiles, waves casually*

-barely three seconds later-

miss chen: bye sarah.

me: *unable to contain my joy* -laughs- bye!

___________________________________________________

today is ultimate tennis off-form day.
went to the warrens to play with melan and !@#$%^&*( couldn't be worst
my legs were so heavy and painful
my arms felt really lazy
it rained halfway while we were playing.
to be honest, i think clearing the water off the court with the roller was more fun hahaha

my quarts and hamstring
dying on me

at least i came back home to awesome frozen strawberries and cream
best remedy to save the day

practice makes perfect

practice makes perfect sense to me.

first of all, i would like to wish MISS CHEN HUI FEN a
wonderful awesome good marvelous nice pleasing recherché splendid sterling stupendous super-excellent rad congenial unimpaired beautiful nice great awe-inspiring magnificent mind-blowing stunning terrific wondrous cool cute glorious superlative ferntastic perfect primo sensational superb HAPPY BIRTHDAY! :) :) :) :) :)

i think its forgivable and perhaps completely acceptable to say (or type) cheesy mushy things on someone's special day so i shall.
dear MC, school's never been the same since you left us (as in physically. you've always been in our hearts since then). my happiest RV schooling days consist of the times when you were around. really.
now that i/we can no longer hope to bump into you along the turning of the stairway, or stalk you from the canteen to the staff room, or like offer to buy you drinks (like during IUD!), well life's not as exciting and satisfying as before.
it's impossible to lead a life in the dark after having been so close to the sun once. get it?
also, hahaha i like to go for my club trg (the thurs ones at KNC) cos.. i get to see you!
i'm so hyped up for NSL matches, it's like we get to see you every week. so totally awesome luh.
.
.
.
if you realise this long somewhat-confession is akin to social suicide,
but for you i will !! :)

HAHAHAHA.
that was really gay.

.
.
.
what did i do on 11 march 2009?
go to school, get GPA, feel numb,

and meet tricia at three-ish pm!

so i went to her house and left my stuff thr/changed and we went running at telok blangah hill/mt faber! it's not really what you think but whatever.
the two hours passed in a whizz.
we explored little parks, places we never knew existed and stuff. it's quite beautiful, rather breathtaking up there. its refreshing to wander around in nature (even if man-made) for a change, don't you ever get sick of all the city lights?
there are binoculars at parts of the peak, and to view each of them for 180 seconds you're supposed to pay a dollar.
i'm beginning to believe in luck! somehow we managed to find this pair of binos that was working! we didnt have to give up our only dollar (and ten cents) but we still had full five mins views of a construction site, the carribean, some boats, and three islands so far away.
the binos are so awesome can see so far grrrrrrrr, it was so clear and even from where we were we could see labourers at the construction site and people in their condos hahaha.
we also sat in stationary cable cars :)

reached home half past seven, and up till now i'm still thinking of how to break the news to the parental department about my implausibly lousy results.

i'm a big big girl in a big big world

its not a big big thing if you leave me. or if i leave you

i wont even fking care if you disappear from the face of earth. never again will i have anything to do with you. let's draw the line, for real this time.

______________________________________

so my daddy should be in taiwan now. didnt go to church cos of some family issues tdy morning. my mom, bro and i ended up at causeway point whr we spent four hundred dollars.

my new pencil case. no joke

retail therapy came too early.

but perhaps, thr is a btr alternative. one which numbs totally

i choose to have no air.

everytime i try to fly i fall, without my wings i feel so small

i am currently listening to lonestar's amazed and i'm having it on repeat mode. i never get tired of this song, never

anyw, i bathed using diluted/mildly concentrated champagne/wine (what's the difference hur) just now! i still feel the stickiness on my skin and i dont really like it. i think i smell sweet and i shudder at the thought that ants might crawl all over me when i'm asleep :O
okayi i get it i shouldnt be paranoid.
um so yeap my mom forced me to cos she believes that it'll do good to my burnt skin. maybe make me fairer or someth hahahha
well, to prevent myself from having to do this again i shall apply sunscreen tmr (for pesta sukan round 2) :D

speaking of pesta sukan, i dont really feel excited about it. not yet, perhaps. my heart is gripped by fear, though.
what if i dont perform well?
what if its my off-day?
what if my (re)jammed thumb makes it harder for me to pass and receive the ball?
what if i die of exhaust on court?
i know i shouldnt be having so many doubts and all or else i'll be frantic and overly-tensed, but :S
am in no mood to continue this post
i just quarrelled with my parents.

raise your voice, like it intimidates me a single bit.
freak my family is screwed/
or maybe i am
i dont know whats wrong with my parents. since everything i do is wrong in their eyes,
since they say that all i bring is trouble, since they say that the older i get the worse i become,
then fine.
fuck you idiots. you asses who dont even know a single shit about me. i may not be in any position to say this but i'll just say it, you dont deserve to be parents.
you dont know how to bring up kids. look at how i turned out. look at how jer and jov turned out.
they say you're not supposed to wash your dirty family laundry in public but i'm doing it because i dont even feel part of it. my bros curse and swear behind your back, they act like hooligans and they pick on others in school all the time. and you dont even know.
they stole from you, too. you dont even know.
you can spend all your time on your work, and come back home feeling stressed and mad and then you lash out on us.
sure, go ahead. at the end of your life you realise you have the largest sum of retirement fund, but look around, and see there's no one to spend it with.
you dont know how broken this family is. its broken beyond repair.
ok i will speak to you properly. i will speak to you politely and not show any sense of irritation nor anger. i will speak to you like we're not connected by blood ties. like a stranger, and aqquaintance, someone i barely know.
respect is not given, its earned.
just because you are my parents, it doesn mean i have to be your daughter.
i hope you somehow read this. and realise everything.
i hope you know you've ruined my evening, my tmr, and supposedly our sunday.
i hope.

fools. we all are.

one fire burns out another's burning, one pain is lessen'd by another's anguish.

- william shakespeare, romeo and juliet

okayi first of all (ms) faith goh is really not that bad (as in boring, uninteresting, quiet etc) a teacher. never judge a book by its cover
she's nice and all plus she showed care for me when i was pale (not exactly, still black actually) and groggy and isolated from all my other classmates during speech and drama lesson today.

trik + rae + kristal attempted to get panadols for me from the PE teachers before assembly today. did you know that the school is not allowed to give out drugs/medication which cause drowsiness and/or host side-effects? i didnt
i was sleeping almost throughout all the lessons anyw

i will read ashes for you, if you ask me.
i will look in the fire and tell you from the gray lashes
and out of the red and the black tongues and stripes,
i will tell how fire comes
and how fire runs as far as the sea.
- carl sandburg, "fire pages"

went to visit my greatgrandmother in the hospital yesterday. i got fussed over pretty much. alright, very much, actually.
it really shook me to see how much she hurt. i am just glad that she still remembers me after the concussion.
then again, how can she ever forget me (i am the sunshine in her life as she always tells)
i think i will drop by again after training tmr

my sister's keeper by jodi picoult is rather sad.

I LOVE BULLY GANG!
and i cant wait for the outing ooooooooooooofs

replaced replaced replaced
xoxo

dont stop dont change, stay beautiful

its like this poison kiss which seems so sweet and so surreal on the touch. i only began to feel the substantial acidic thing eating me whole when the poison weaved through my conscience and into my bloodstream. now, what keeps me alive is this love, but this is also what will ultimately kill me.

it's not like a tevee or radio or anything. you cant turn it off just like that with a frigging remote. you cant shut away or turn down the volume, of your heart calling out, till its pure silence.
you cant make the imagery of the memories go away.
maybe you can switch channels, but one day you will flick back to that very same channel you were glued to, and realise that after so long you still are.
because we live by emotions and feelings, which often, are indescribeable and unexplained.

there and then.

its absolutely true that i'm losing heart, maybe time (along with tiredness) has put out the flame. had it been a month ago, nothing like this would have happened.
you are right. i would never, never ever, have placed fun and nights out over trainings and all that, if you were referring to me one frigging month ago.
but i did it.
walaoeh what the hell is wrong with me right.
i mean, i wanted to change, but i didnt intend for my attitude towards this to change.

ahyaaaaa.
i'll be heading down to UPS later on for my junior's junior's (okayi still junior anyw) training.
hopefully i'll find something, like a spark, watching them start.
maybe then i'd start to start all over again.

KITE RUNNER IS FANTASTIC (partly cos i know mc read it)!

anyw, i am really reallly reallyyyy guilty.
i mean guilty like shitzxc okayi.
hyung and i were supposed to meet up with two of our classmates for a project discussion.
supposed to lah.
but we both forgot.
and so tianli and angel were left standing (and waiting) at the lrt for like maybe ten minutes.
i just called my dad and he wont let me go!
oh die, oh die.
(five minutes later)
... uh thank goodness hyung cant go either.
the both of us will just die of excessive guilt ripping at our hearts together. hooray for my boyfriend.

anyw the previous pictures are results of my serif photoplus 6.0 trial attempts (its better than paint, but nothing fantastic).
anyw, natural is best, like the last picture (i saved best for last, ____)!
oh and i would like to introduce toot-toot the rubber ducky.
i recommend this WMP skin because unlike a lot a lot a lot of other horrible skins, it has shuffle mode! oh yes it does, smiles my lips out.
it took me nearly forever to find one like that (aesthetically appealing and loveable functions, to me of cos). cute yo.

when will my reflection show who i truly am

I CANT SLEEP.

Boyzone - Shooting Star
Oooh
No one seems to think too much of me here
and they're glad to tell it to my face
And they're right I'm not supposed to be here
I'm completely out of place
Somehow there has got to be a reason
Even as I try to think it through
There's a bolt from the blue

And I see a shooting star
(And I see a star)
Set apart from all the rest
While the other stars are standing still (ooh)
He's on a quest
Every night this shooting star
(Every night this star)
Dancing across the twilight sky
Cause he knows he doesn't quite fit in (ooh)
And he's longing to know why, why
(longing to know why)

I feel so much better when it's night time
That's when I can sort of disappear
When the sun is set and it's the right time
For pretending I'm not here
Sometimes I just stare into the heavens
Wondering if the answer is inside
That's when I see the light

Of my sent that shooting star
On his way to who know's where
(On his way to who know's where)
He's so unlike all the stars (ooh)
But he outshines out there
(shines out there)
And the solitary star
(solitary star)
Is an awful lot like me (ooh)
On an endless search in time and space
For a place that won't seem wrong
(place that won't seem wrong)

If we both hang on for long enough
We both somehow are strong enough
We'll find out where we belong

Every night this shooting star
(every night this star)
Dancing across the twilight sky
Cause he knows he doesn't quite fit in (ooh)
And he's longing to know why (why)
Know why (why)
Why (why)
Why (why)
Know why (why) (to fade)

_____________________________

i'm very very glad i didnt have to go through it all, though i think the last minute fishing trip (minus the seashells picking, minus the counting of stars, minus the camera-play) was almost as bad.
i was hella bored.
thanks a lot manzxc (my infatuated) twinneh haha, dont deny i know you are.

thank god.

i dont want to try to be happy anymore.
i got caught.
i'm losing it as i lose you.
dying.
i cant help feeling this way.
i cant help going insane because i miss you so much.

this is how i feel (empty),

and hidden

please pray for me.

maybe.
maybe i'm afraid of the dark again,

maybe.
maybe i'm afraid of heights again,

maybe.
maybe i have still not grown accustomed to a moonless nightsky, a sunless day.

truth is i am hell-a scared.
the next two days will be the longest days i have ever had, and the worst ones too.
because although everyone seems to be cheering me on,
the one(s) whom i really want by my side will not be, because i am also afraid to tell.
and i am alone.

bloodstains,
i guess if you really cared, you will somehow know. and ask me about this, no matter what. and i will tell you. but you wont.

tonight i've fallen and i cant get up, i need your loving hands to come and pick me up

update:
hooray, the grandaunt and i are now on talking terms!

and i cant wait to lay my excited little fingers on eclipse.
i heard that the kite runner is pretty good too.
whatever it is i am dedicating my next week to completing my lit essays and reading a lot of books. that is, if i find the time to do so.

i embark (?) on my fourth slice of sara-lee cake.
______________________________________

i'm icing my ankle, i wish i could ice my heart too. cos then it'll just be... numb.
felt so _____, but i _________ playing with the ____, even if it meant i had to ___ for the game. that was really how i felt on court. so _____.
i cried so much, but really, it wasnt mainly because my ankle was hurting like shitzxcass.
the response i got when i told mk and mc how i felt, was, even heartwrenching, because it meant that it all could be seen from the outside.
why, at this crucial moment, is the ____ so _____?
i want to feel shielded, i want to be protected, i want to be able to hide under a wing when a thunderstorm strikes town, i want to know that if i falter, i will fall in safe hands come what may.
(no) thank you for making me feel so much less insecure, for sharing the pain.
i feel so tired i want to just "tie the trustband" and hide behind you and not face anything.
i want you to take the lead and take my hand and lead me on to a clearer, brighter, path.
today i finally realised that i'm afraid of the dark because its empty, i am afraid of feeling the emptiness. which is why i feel less afraid when you are here for me (its because you fill up the spaces). can i?

on a lighter note, apparently my grandmother and my nine other grandaunts plus all their somewhat intermediate families all know about my ankle.
this makes me realise how efficient the communication is, tsk.
(do they have nothing else to talk about or what? haha)
its just that them making a big fuss out of this makes me feel scared (in a way, no idea why).

and tricia kok is such an idiot manzxc. i feel so jealous.

lord be there for me when i fall,
be there for me when i call,
be there for me when i need you
"come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and i will give you rest."
- matt 11:28

flyaway, (how far?)
ciao.

give me something to believe in, tell me its all in my head

i can live without you but, without you i'll be miserable at best.
i cant live without you.

cos nothing feels like home, you're a thousand miles away.
nothing feels like home even when you're just a few feet away, in reach, yet, out of my league.

never thought not having you here now would hurt so bad.
never even thought i'd have you in the first place.

maybe the grass is greener at the other side, over in UK.
what i thought would have me all against is getting realistically more tempting. sometimes (like now) i wish i could just leave everything (but some) behind and go somewhere else. like, i just want to run away. no, flyaway. literally sprout wings and flap about in the air, or an airplane, anything.
will one year bring about a decent transformation?
what can i achieve in that short period of my life?
when i do leave, will anything even change?
when i return (if i do), will anything still be the same?
is there anything, or anyone who will hold me back?
is there anything, or anyone worth staying for?
i'll make my decision once i get all the answers i need, and i'll not look back again.

i never really knew how much you truly meant to me (not till now).
but, i just want to flyaway.
can i take you with me?

p.s. this is not touchy/emo, just genuine and heartfelt,
ciao.

its dark and cold

and i'm scared