i'm walking on broken glass

the irregularity of my heartbeat messed up the rhythm of the song blasting in my ear. i winced as gerard way hollered through the last verse of i dont love you.
i widened my steps and quickened my pace, narrowing the gap between us.
then you were in reach; i stuck out my right hand but i retrieved it just as quickly.
i reached out for your hand again as soon as i gained composure, but you casually shook it off.
unconvinced, i took another deep breath as though i could suck in courage from the surrounding air and lunged for you. forcefully, you twisted my arm away.
my confidence unaltered, i tried yet another time. i got the same reaction, just stronger.
i questioned myself silently, had i been taking this hand which i thought would be holding mine forever for granted?
i tugged at the cloth around your thighs and you spun around facing me. shock flowed like a current, electrocuting all the nerves in my body. my jaw tightened.
the glare in your eyes was filled with accusation. each tear that cascaded down your cheeks was like a charge; i was convicted.
i tried to pull you towards me, but there was a boulder (both physical and emotional) in the way.
i grasped your hand against your will but it was might over mind, you refused to entwine your fingers around mine.
heavy tears fell as you you shook your head, your piercing gaze staring straight back into my pleading one.
my heart flipped, i felt like i had just been kicked in the stomach.
then a surge of disbelief and a little anger careered into me, i turned my back against you and stormed off.
you headed in the other direction.
at that moment a part of me wanted to turn back and run towards you and hold you tightly (even if you wouldnt let me), but a more dominant part of me chose to preserve my pride.
my eyes welled up with tears of guilt and sadness as i continued walking.
i never did turn back for a last glance.
but, what had i done?
i'd fucking screwed things up.
i'm sorry i'm a fucking asshole.
i'm sorry i'm a fucking bastard.
i'm sorry i'm a fucking fucktard.
i was fucking self-centred and i treated you what you fucking didnt deserve.
honestly, what the fucking hell had i done?
the tears flowed freely as i thought about all those silent promises i had made to myself. i ignored the stares and the incoherent mumbles as i slumped against the railing of the berth, already flushed and dishevelled.
all that about wanting you to be happy. bullshit.
all that about never wanting to be deserving of your tears, or rather never letting you shed a tear again. bullshit.
i closed my eyes tightly as if the fear that was kicking in could be rid off by doing so.
i wish i never had to open them, fuck.

- March 31 2008

officially

heartbroken.

when you walk away, i count the steps that you take, do you see how much i need you right now

went to town (not exactly cos it was just city hall, raffles place and marina square) really early in the morning and shopped plentiful with cleo (and a little with yeyun). ohwell satisfied cos i got P.S I Love You, bought donuts, and a shirt. that funkaye dudette bought really exotic stuff like erotic art candles and chains and a weird sci-fi book. anyw i felt so under-dressed standing beside her cos i was in my rag camp tee and fbts while she dressed up pretty much as usual.

met up with the team and the first chapter of the book was so saddening i was trying not to let my tears fall. or maybe something else had to do with how i felt, i dont know.
went for nsl cip and yes got a complimentry black volunteers shirt (of all colours). i have an issue with black. dont ask.
got a little bored here and there but i must admit that the hours are easy to clock, plus i was hardly perspiring it was really exciting watching ms chen and whoever whoever whoever whoever play.
anyw, it was scary cos midway, the parental department brought like the co-units to come check on me. i'll very much rather think of it as "support" though, tsk.

urgh, how do i put these emotions and everyth in words?
more than you know.
i love you more than you know.
i need you more than you know.
i want you more than you know.
i want you to be happy more than you know.
i want you to not shed a tear more than you know.
maybe its how i express myself or the way i put it across, i dont know.
i dont know how to be there sometimes cos i feel that i'll just be imposing, and that there is someone else so much more capable of providing you with all the comfort you need.
sometimes i feel that you dont want or need me.
afraid of that fact, even.
i dont know why, honestly.
you have no idea how heartbroken i was just now.
i feel like i could be just replaced, or if you didnt need my pressence you could order me away.
well if you would feel happier without me, i'll go for sure.
i just want to honour my silent promise.
i wish you'd tell me what you want from me more directly sometimes.
i wish you'd give me the courage to give you the strength.
i know i shouldnt be reliant or dependent on you all the time but somehow that seems to be the case.
you are the drug that's not the high but the pill.
how i feel is vastly affected by you/how you feel.
what must i say/how to i say to make you understand?
i'm sorry/nosorry.

another silent promise.

why,
ciao.

we're the league tonight and tomorrow and forever and though it ends i'm glad we started right

the end, officially. the end.
at one point of time i wanted it to just stop because i was so tired. now i realise that all i wanted was for it to stop, not end (unlike what i told boyfriend).
mp is like a mother figure to us, and dang will i miss her so much. trainings will just be, uh, different (in a sense) from now onwards. i'm just real glad we ended things on a happy note. etched in my mind in a positive manner, you betcha (rae foo).
c'div '08 has left me in peculiar predicaments so many times but right now i feel like through it all, the pain, the anguish (exaggerated but whatever), when i had to choose between two major parts of my life, everything was worth it.
even when i said it was not worth it then, it was then. now's now. definitely, worth it.
i felt it on court just now - the same warm tingly feeling that motivated me even further on court. not alone. it feels good. better than good. it feels like it.
it should have been like that through all the matches and fights, but still its better late then never.
one team.
this team.
raw feelings.
<3

okayi but it was really unglam when i fell on my butt (trying to go for that ball in the air).
and i'm having a rather serious case of buttache now (haha).
mc, mc, mc, mc, mc, mc, mc, mc, oh no i had such a bad fall in front of mc.

i finished eclipse. made me tear so many times, yo. so anticipating dawning moon (i hope stephenie meyer works on the double writing it). anyw i think her style of writing has sorta influenced (?) me. not that i can write at her kinda standard but the way i phrase my lines everything has sort of a (or her) feel to it. even livia lim says so alright, or maybe it was just my content that's why. whatever blah fullstop

yay netball cip tmr! i hope it will be interesting cos apparently i cancelled out on three buddies just so i wouldnt miss it (in fact its compulsory, i tend to make myself seem more noble and mature oh well).

i have a sudden obesession with all things strawberry (milk) or apple (juice).

everything is for you. just as you are my everything.
and i want to be rich!
c'div, you, you, c'div,
xoxo ciao.

catch a falling star and put it in your pocket, never let it fade away; catch a falling star and put it in your pocket, save it for a rainy day

one last chance, for redemption/to prove ourselves worthy.
one last game, thirteen as a whole do or die.
one last time, to don on the team jersey.
no journeys are smooth sailing, but we do want to end it well, yo.
sometimes these bits and poofers of words may seem cliche to the core (i live up to my name) but well they may be the only seemingly true words which do justice to how i feel at this point in time. i do hope mp changes her mind so i will have a go at playing on court tmr. i mean, its the last game and there is no wayyy i am going to let my last courtplay of the season end so badly (last week's game) if you get what i mean.
and even if it is not (entirely) my fault i dont want my promise (dedicate my game to my evol) to be just some, bogus, uh thinggg.
and let's just say i have found another source of motivation and encouragement (besides my team). sometimes more like a (delicate) push but that small touch goes a longgg way.

for you.

just. watch. me. i. have. had. enough. i. am. gonna. lose. all. my. fats.

eclipse, eclipse, eclipse. its amazing.
i am living in such suspense and i am kept so thrilled i cant stop turning the pages over.
i dont want the last of the trilogy to end so fast though, so i've decided to start controlling how much i read per day (though only like a quarter of the book is left).

i wanna fly looking in your eyes (because you live),
ciao.

wishing on a shooting star, where dreams alone wont take you far

oh yay, the mysterious identity of sunflower anonymous has finally been revealed!
if i say this i bet his (ego) head will be swelling with pride and all, but i have to admit that his was a brilliant step by step plan, yo. and cleo will be totally thrilled to know this - he knows nicholas (the guy from maris stella from friendster)!
honestly you have never, ever, ever come across my mind before. i mean, haha.

and, i just found my phone in the fridge (how smart of me).

i feel as if i am on the brink of insanity cos i am constantly unsure of my feelings. either that or they are changing rapidly.
sometimes i feel it, at other times i dont.
somehow i cant afford to let it come and go, but that really is the case.

strength?
weakness?
confidence?
expectations?
(look at how the words ascend like a staircase)

special shoutout to the kelp: hi!

will you really be there,
flyaway.

yayness, i shall get down to eclipse right after this post (haha like finally eh).

we lost to st nics (kinda regret not dying on court now but whats the point), but i felt that i have personally lost much more than just a game (if you get what i mean, sigh).
but why :(

i gave out my _____ and my _____ ___ (and counting) todayi (and in the morning).
oh well, there was just some kinda kinky (not exactly) feeling or force that led me to, you know.
felt so scandalous and had truckloads of kick but, thats besides the point.
... ... ... ... ... its killing me/

cold feet. not that i am going to chicken out of something or whatever,
its it - insane ice (and bravo, what alliteration).

here i come,
ciao.

we built it up to watch it fall

i feel like the whole wide world is just a dark lie and i dont know what is true and what is not.
and no, i dont feel this way because mommy broke her promise - she said she was bringing us out for dinner but i guess things cropped up again (not totally, anyw).

i have had enough of pretending i had no idea what you were talking about, and i cant ignore the outbursts of laughter anymore.
maybe it is not as serious or as stoke as i think it is, or i might just be making a mountain out of a molehill. i. just. cant. stand. it. anymore.
you said that you will stand by me, and if there was anything wrong or whatever that made me unhappy i could share with you. most importantly, you told me that i was not alone.
now it seems that these words bear no meaning, they're just crisps of air of no importance, plain bullshit. bullshit.
i found out about ALG, or ASR/ARS.
it might jolly well just be a joke or someth really fun/funny at that point in time, but i guess we dont see eye to eye cos i dont get your sense of humour.
and sure, after everything is said and done the guilt builds up, and whatever follows.
you just have no idea what conclusion this has brought me to, and just when i felt that some of the truest friendships were on court.
i feel so distant now. hurt, even.
true or untrue _________, i really dont know.
you, you, you, you, and you.
tell me.
it has lost its meaning. i no longer trust it. it is no longer a source of motivation.

somehow or rather boyfriend made me feel so much less alone today, yo.
maybe, maybe, cleo is right on jamsters vs netball.
but the people on the outside dont feel what the rest inside feel.

there is no 'i' on court, there is only me?

and i really need you here now, but
flyaway.

because you live, my world has twice has many stars in the sky

oh no, i think i am under a be-straightfoward-spell cos i cant help but speak my mind (on some stuff to some people/person). and according to this people/person saying stuff like all that i said will lead to me gradually losing my literature touch, and wham goes all my hopes and aspirations.
i mean, i do want to write flowery sentences and abstract poems (that sometimes make no sense however you read it again and again).
i wonder if i have been too blunt (or rather have i been too piercingggg) with my insane confessions/confrontations/way of saying things you know what forget this i shall not be so sombrely pensive about this whatever blah fullstop

my ankle's not as swollen anymore and by this i mean you can see a little of that protruding ankle bone (or whatever you call it doctor).
hooray, by god's grace. havent been praying, and the only reason why i prayed that day was to ask for healing (ankle), yes i oughta do someth so stop looking at me like that, tsk.
i feel like i can walk, i can run, i can fly, i can takeoff.

the parental department seems to have completely forgotten about me (whoa, on a sunday morning somemore). for some reasons which i havent concluded/been told of, they didnt wake me up today in time for church. and no note (grr, nor money!) was left on the table. and when i asked my maid about it she seemed as puzzled, and she said that she wasnt told to pass any message of sorts.
i think it might be my ankle, as in they dont want me to be moving around and stuff.
but, church! i dont know haha this weird.
anyw i am kinda glad (and guilty) that i'm not in service now.
it means i have a lot more time and a lot more rest (and i dont have to avoid some people).

i feel like being all over you,
ciao.

tonight i've fallen and i cant get up, i need your loving hands to come and pick me up

update:
hooray, the grandaunt and i are now on talking terms!

and i cant wait to lay my excited little fingers on eclipse.
i heard that the kite runner is pretty good too.
whatever it is i am dedicating my next week to completing my lit essays and reading a lot of books. that is, if i find the time to do so.

i embark (?) on my fourth slice of sara-lee cake.
______________________________________

i'm icing my ankle, i wish i could ice my heart too. cos then it'll just be... numb.
felt so _____, but i _________ playing with the ____, even if it meant i had to ___ for the game. that was really how i felt on court. so _____.
i cried so much, but really, it wasnt mainly because my ankle was hurting like shitzxcass.
the response i got when i told mk and mc how i felt, was, even heartwrenching, because it meant that it all could be seen from the outside.
why, at this crucial moment, is the ____ so _____?
i want to feel shielded, i want to be protected, i want to be able to hide under a wing when a thunderstorm strikes town, i want to know that if i falter, i will fall in safe hands come what may.
(no) thank you for making me feel so much less insecure, for sharing the pain.
i feel so tired i want to just "tie the trustband" and hide behind you and not face anything.
i want you to take the lead and take my hand and lead me on to a clearer, brighter, path.
today i finally realised that i'm afraid of the dark because its empty, i am afraid of feeling the emptiness. which is why i feel less afraid when you are here for me (its because you fill up the spaces). can i?

on a lighter note, apparently my grandmother and my nine other grandaunts plus all their somewhat intermediate families all know about my ankle.
this makes me realise how efficient the communication is, tsk.
(do they have nothing else to talk about or what? haha)
its just that them making a big fuss out of this makes me feel scared (in a way, no idea why).

and tricia kok is such an idiot manzxc. i feel so jealous.

lord be there for me when i fall,
be there for me when i call,
be there for me when i need you
"come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and i will give you rest."
- matt 11:28

flyaway, (how far?)
ciao.

even forever and ever is not enough

i stand to praise you
but i fall on my knees
my spirit is willing
but my flesh is so weak

*[chorus]
light the fire
(light the fire)
in my soul
(in my weary soul)
fan the flame
(fan the flame)
make me whole
(make my spirit whole)
lord you know
(lord you know)
where i've been
so light the fire in my heart again

i feel your arms around me
as the power of your healing begins
your spirit moves through me
like a mighty rushing wind

*[insert chorus]
________________________________________

i suddenly feel unusually spiritual. realised i havent been praying much, or rather, havent been praying at all so i oughta do someth.

i hate feeling like i am not of any help, like i cant comfort nor reassure anything or anyone cos i am not good at expressing myself verbally (at the right time). i want to be eloquent like mercutio (which might not exactly be a good thing).

anyw daddy is happy with my 3.3gpa. he says i am his pride and joy (for now). cross my fingers he will get me my portable baking oven soon. or maybe i can advance a step further and ask for a notebook upgrade or perhaps more realistically a new phone. oh wait, i shall not get overly excited lest i end up with nothing but disappointment, there

how can i run out of inspiration? i've always had ideas like a rushing river, unending flow and free. arf, i am having a horrible case of writer's block here and i refuse to hand in a nothing-driven one thousand five hundred words piece of argumentative essay (also known as bullshit). whatever blah, something (hopefully) will come to me.
frankly i do yearn for a little praise or acknowledgement or recognition of effort from ms chew (but if she did that'll be too easy/not challenging for me and ms chew will not be the ms chew i know anymore).

i just need answers, yonder
ciao i miss you so much

let me be the embrace you fall into

tsk, i am so worn and i have no idea why. okayi yo maybe i do ohwell.

i am so tempted to eat.. eat... eat... eat.. it!
but i feel particularly angelic toevening so i shall stay true to myself and my dieting plans (awwww manzxc).

shall end this post here cos i need to get down to doing some stuff, yo.

i hate reading (other's) posts which are just fillers, goodness now i'm actually typing one here myself. whatever blahh off i go i know you'll miss me

xoxo, ciao

no matter what you say about love, i keep coming back for more

i am (sometimes) overly possesive and i (sometimes) am easily made jealous. not the point, blaaaahhh fullstop

my craving(s)'s flipping me inside out manzxc, i want to stuffffff myself with uh: chicago cheesecake! banana chocolate cake (it rocks to the apple core yo i tell you, yay cheeken revealed to me that its from secret recipe)! delifrance fruit tarts! a real foamy thick cup of hot chocolate! mac and cheese! apple strudel (from ritz i think)!
gluttony is a sin i guess i just need (a lot) more self control (and money tooooo).
screams (my head off), dieeeeeeet.

ms yu asked me this today, where is your heart?
i got really bothered by it the whole day, cos the question kept ringing in my mind back and forth and the worst thing of it all is that i couldnt/still cant answer it.
fact is i have no idea too. tell me, where is my heart?

did you see the moon today (notice the bold)? dang was it beeeeauutiful. i wonder what it was trying to say.

i am (going to be) a zookeeper photographer poet baker.
i will be successful.
i might remember you when i'm rich and famous,
ciao.

steady feet dont fail me now, your're a run till you cant walk

she owes me a chicago cheesecake.

i wish i had worn a little more decently, i was shivering in the service hall this morning (more decently as in perhaps more cloth blah).

okayi, rae foo yun xi just called. thank goodness cos gracious me, i almost forgot abt the speech cum prize presentation thing (which i have yet to prepare) for tmr! alright i have to admit, as much as i teased her the other time when she went on the podium (uh platform actually) to speak, i feel reallyyyy nervous/scared as well. okay whatever i want to be an elit student so i shall speak naturally with confidence(?) (i guess...).

went over to regine's before fetching evol.

anywayyyyyyy, joan has read eclipsed seven times! oh manzxc, i need to read it soon. its as if edward cullen and bella swan and all the other characters are like, friends of mine and i'm missing them. i want to know how's their life going on. if you know what i mean, tsk. eclipseeeeeeeeeee.

whatever yo,
ciao.

look at the stars, look how they shine for you, and everything you do, they were all yellow

make this a quickie [i mean, a short post - now all ye people who are sick in the head, please for once. just think straight (notice the rhyme)].
shall keep pressing enter to make my post seem longer.

played quarters (after quarters) at knc with a few schools,
saw some national players (hey that itself does give me some kick alright).
ate at leisure park/kfc (first time).
and, funny fever, whatever manzxc, doesnt matter cos my cousin said i looked hot (as in, yes i mean it literally cos my face was really red and blah haha).
jumbo-ed, arcade-d, saw pro bowling leagues etc (changi's safra).
i think sitting by the poolside with my (ever faithful) microphoto blasting all my favourites and watching the super low planes fly across the moonlitted, stars bountiful sky, was reallyyyy amazing(?) cool(?) fun(?) as in, i just liked it, get my drift?

what a boring post manzxc, what a boring post.
yhdsbosutebqoalamshbdycidndgxtqefl;9wp,
ciao.

flyaway

an exquisite extreme, a wing on a plane
seven coloured beads at the end of the rainbow
swaying to the beat of the falling rain
tis all the need and hope for two to hold

spaced out, mind filled, seating under a tree
inspiration, apple falling, gravitational pull
like a bird longing to be handsomely free
yet the only thing attenuating me is you

liqueur, strong, sweet, spirit, full
a snapshot not one left behind there
unveil the valance, whatever stays true
valediction, till the next time bids we fare

like one on a voyage bon vagabond
yet flying away i'll take you with me,
flyaway

give me something to believe in, tell me its all in my head

i can live without you but, without you i'll be miserable at best.
i cant live without you.

cos nothing feels like home, you're a thousand miles away.
nothing feels like home even when you're just a few feet away, in reach, yet, out of my league.

never thought not having you here now would hurt so bad.
never even thought i'd have you in the first place.

maybe the grass is greener at the other side, over in UK.
what i thought would have me all against is getting realistically more tempting. sometimes (like now) i wish i could just leave everything (but some) behind and go somewhere else. like, i just want to run away. no, flyaway. literally sprout wings and flap about in the air, or an airplane, anything.
will one year bring about a decent transformation?
what can i achieve in that short period of my life?
when i do leave, will anything even change?
when i return (if i do), will anything still be the same?
is there anything, or anyone who will hold me back?
is there anything, or anyone worth staying for?
i'll make my decision once i get all the answers i need, and i'll not look back again.

i never really knew how much you truly meant to me (not till now).
but, i just want to flyaway.
can i take you with me?

p.s. this is not touchy/emo, just genuine and heartfelt,
ciao.

plant operation and fertilizer, teehee (modestos)

it gets hard but it wont take away my love

i had an interesting dinner.
my two brothers were fighting over one (fried) fish eye.
i gladly gave mine up and resolved their whole issue, tsk.
gross manzxc, haha.
___________________________________________

hello, laughhhhs at all the hardworking people of the world who are currently rushingg through their homework or whatever shit assignment ever-so-dilligently.
one, for example, myy asssssshole evol, two, stupid cleo, and three, my brotherrr hahaha (can you believe he's doing work?)!
i am slacking my time away blog-hopping and indulging in cheesecake (sadly not the chicago ck from coffee bean, but still edible anyw).

geeez i spent like, my whole morning and like almost the whole afternoon (more or less) recovering (?).
from that i mean ten minutes in a super cold pool (not swimming though), a dont-know-how-long-time in a jaccuzzi and yes slightly more than an hour sleeping (or trying to). tsk.

i'm lazyyy. i dont feel like doing anythinggg but sleeeeeeeeeep.
like a pig.

i drive myself crazy wanting you the way that i do,
ciaoooooo.

i (still) refuse to talk to jerald goh jun hao (my annoying brother).
i havent forgiven him for eating my chicago cheesecake yesterday. call me petty or whatever, i'm just not gonna say a word (to him).

ah i think my nose is broken/flattened, scream manzxc scream.

training was okayi i guess. after that we mass spammed ms chen's phone with "Happy birthday! :D"s but dang, she never replied (hear my heart ripping apart).
wait a minute, to sound more optimistic, she hasnt replied.

just got news that well, my room might be refurnished/repainted this holiday. why, i am satisfied with my room i think my bro should be getting a makeover (by this i actually mean room and uh, full body, hair included haha) cos he is constantly complaining abt his (irritatinggggg).
i dont mind actually.
thing is, i'm going to have to remove all the stars and everyth from my wall and ceiling! gooodness it'll take me a million years to put them up again.
and i spent so much time re-arranging the constellations, tsk.
ohwell, i am not going to remove the hangingg star though (if you even know what i'm talking about hur).

i am currently trying to avoid ______. ahhhhhh.

with you with you with you with you with you,
ciao.

coincidence is just god's way of remaining anonymous

enjoyed my (thorough) vocal training, it felt as if my voice was being tuned back (in a sense). throat singing/head singing/chest singing/well there ought to be a heart singing doofus who cares anyway sigh.

[from the way i'm blogging now its apparent that i am pissed off/impatient/tired/sick of something/disgusted/just not in the mood (just not pms dont worry).
maybe i thank (okayi, thinked) too much and well it really didnt help that i'm hungry and grouchy (now) and my brother just came into my room and told me that i had a portion (two slices actually) of chicago cheesecake but its all in his big fat stomach now yeah. thanks so much manzxc.]

oh where was i?
ohwell. its been a really really long time since i felt anything like that (like what, you ask. like thaaat, i say, annoyed.). like i belong.
or maybe it was just an improved synchronise of the harmony that made everything sound so good, it made me feel that way.
whatever it is i am happy and glad i went for it (again).
and haaah at the "welcome back" ceremony cos it made me all soft jelly inside thank you very much. and oooofs, for the music maker, what a gift manzxc.
fact is i am just a safekeeper for the time being but still i appreciate it, lovelys and gays (in marvel white tanks pui hahha).

caught (in my hands) the leap years with rachel and boyfriend.
its worth the seven bucks (bah), i think its sincere yet really simplee ohwell if you even get what i am talking about.
sometimes i think its what between the lines (of the movie), the indepth instead of the surface that makes a movie catchy. but point made is, not everyone reads and gets the ideas between the lines. geniuses (like me who think too much) get them and appreciates them.
sometimes i really cant help but feel the distance, so far it makes me shudder and wonder why (i do know why, and very well too, ahhh).

talked to nicole for quite a while (okay t'was not that long la) yest-night. am supposed to be speaking to her now but i feel this throat of mine going sore ya-da-ya-da grrr (sorry).

my stomach is a bottomless pit.
i feel extremely hungry despite having swallowed some nine bucks worth of fruit tarts (three of 'em). whatever happened to my dieting plans dont ask me.

i feel grouchy now tsk at the whole wide world manzxc,
ciao.

and there's hearts all over the world tonight, said the hearts all over the world tonight

my latest song addiction is chris brown - with you! (check it out, yo)


nothing much today, 'xcept for the UK studies trip seminar and the fact that angstine went to church with me and he complimented me really nicely. he said i was a good host (beams).

was making so much noise and sulking when my dad told me abt the seminar cos i thought it was gonna be a long and boring two hours. turned out pretty much differently.

i mean, besides the fact that it was just an hour more or less.

firstly, the boarding compounds are wayyy lush manzxc, lush.

secondly, the scholarship has so much appeal (hey, sponsored holidays and trips off-course! out-of-country pocket money!).

thirdly, the whole year sounds incredibly excitingly promising.

but then again there are a million and one factors to consider and all that, tsk.

went to Point for a while. its that shop located at citylink (sells paper, notebooks and random scrap art stuff). expensive materials but, ahhhhhhhhhh i want everythinggg there.

their collection comes in like an assortment of colours (assortment like sweets okayi!). everything is so very pretty alright.

get what i mean?

and i saw a very intricate musical box at hallmark, ooooofs.

hurray cos school holidays are hereeeee.

i'm not in the mood yet, a little pensive about some stuff.

pray hard i'll make the best out of this week and number one clear up my room, number two do/hand in all that i owe + hol homework, number three forge new bonds and strengthen old ties, number four uh let's say i havent thought of anything else yet.

so little time, so much to do but come'on sarahhhhhhh yes you can (haha)!

dont know what to expect for tmr's vocal training. its been like a century since i went for the last one. hope it wont be too awkward singing (like that) again after such a longggg hiatus.

oh and i think mayday parade's lead singers have a very very cool style, yo.

before i forget, for something that i cant mention here:

a biggggg SORRY,

and a bigggger THANK YOU, angstine.

yayness my temperature has gone down and i feel so much better woooooooo.

this promise is so much more than a nemesis,

ciao.

pok pok pok pok pok

i'm here to vent out my whatever grrrrr (haha) cos i keep getting owned in whatever i play with that stinkyy evol. absolutely no kickkkkkk.
*kick your ass*
that felt goooooooooooooooood, mmm (smiles).

i could sleep all day

TPSH08 pictures, and i totally agree with claudia that hanni will not make a good photographer (haha).

you have a knack for making me believe (in myself and everything else)

saw like, flashes in the sky in school at 6.30am in the morning the day before yesterday (or wait was it yesterday?). was immediately reminded of northern lights! i mean, yeah the purple/white flashes were absolutely faint nothing in comparison to the aurora's enchanting beauty - just set your eyes on these:

i dont just want to see them in pictures! tsk, i want to go like everywhere and see everythinggg.

all hail ye fourth team in west zone (its okay).

went for dinner, and it was dangggg funny i tell you.

like it was some kinda confession thing, like we were all saying how much we used to hate each other. like how trik used to be the toot-est person ever and how uh, irritating whoever and whoever looked. like, just spilled everyth out and laugheed it rough.

we've comeeee a longgg wayyy manzxc.

i love c'div!

i feel like i am driftinggg away from a certain few people/group of people.

i've got nobody else to blame but myself cos i find that sometimes i get too engrossed in my own thoughts/inference i fail to reallyy grasp hold of the whole truth and do what a good friend would have done. and i get too caught up at other times thinking of far and beyond when all i need is right in front of me.

i've been spacing out so much.

i think its time i pulled the heartstrings back (close to me).

sometimes i really wish the world was at the tip of my fingers.

i wouldnt play anything around, it'll all be perfect.

(this is not supposed to be emo or whatever shaaat)

my posts are imbued with more and more stupid crap rantings and lesser substance as the days go by. does the same go for my life?

(tsk of cos not.)

xoxo, that wasnt good enough for you (more to come, please),

ciao.

help me think of a title

a fallen star, a raging flame
the way this feels drives me insane
and ocean wide, a black hole deep
tis here to stay or mine to keep

you will see them shoot across the sky
each ones a story thats left behind
a silver line of trailing light
beauty that never hides

but they come and they go
their coldnest never shows
where they end up you never know
their a mystery i cant solve
and im blinded now because
i can never get enough
your light capped off my sight
on the darkest loneliest night
and right here
you are the star i wish stays
forever and today

you are the moon,
you are the sun,
you are the star,
you are everything
i see in the sky,
unreachable.

xoxo,
ciao

tssssskkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

sometimes i really wonder.

this is my hundredth post but i dont feel the adrenalin rush

yayy congratulate me on the above, tsk.
i think i have like, a kind of chronicle disease which drains out all my emotions. either that, or another kind of illness that gives me an extremity of feelings.

i just had my dinner but i'm still awfully hungry. anyw, horror horror - i gained weighttt you knowwwww, tsk.

and nicoleee is a crazy ass haha. she just called me and asked me if i preferred magnets or chopsticks, lol. she's a nice twinneh, actually.

did (or rather made) something incredibly gayy during CID todayi. smileeeeeeeeeeee.

went to tpsh to watch south zone's finals and to like, get a feel of the court and all that. i'm hyped up plus tensed up plus stressed up plus scareddddd alr (friday, i mean).
the crowd was deafening even though they hardly occupied half the whole 360degree of lined-seats. ohmanzxc, was told to expect more roaring and rowdyy spectators on that day.
couldnt exactly do much on the court itself cos well we were kinda chased out, tsk.

i'm folding and unfolding fabric roses using the dog's belt and i have this (grrrrrrrr) temptation to just like dip the tip of the rose (its bud) into a pot of red dye, tsk.

i shall go floss my teeth.
lazy as i am, i wont feel like munching on junkies cos then i'll have to like, floss/brush my teeth again.

screaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaams,
ciao.

i cant stop the rain from falling, cant stop my heart from calling you

You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong.
You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know.
You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak.
Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do.

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.
You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.
You have the classic "Type A" personality.
You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel.
You're always up to something.
You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you.
You're very intense.
You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble.
But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.

You are truly an original person.
You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out.
Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia.
Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing.

You're a strong person.
You are deeply philosophical and thoughtful.
You tend to analyze every aspect of your life.
You are intuitive, brilliant, and quite introverted.
You value your time alone.
However you, too, are weak.
You tend to get wounded and heartbroken rather easily.

You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life.
You are solid and dependable.
You are loyal, and people can count on you.
At times, you can be a bit too serious.
You tend to put too much pressure on yourself.

You are a very lucky person.
Things just always seem to go your way.
And because you're so lucky, you don't really have a lot of worries.
You just hope for the best in life.
You're sometimes a little guilty of being greedy.
Spread your luck around a little to people who need it.
You tend to be pretty tightly wound.
It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing.
You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly.
You don't stick with any one thing for very long.
You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time.
Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.

You are incredibly sexy and sensual.
You have a naughty vibe that no one can ignore.
You have an unquenchable desire.
And you are unrestrained in your passions.
You have a tendency to be unfaithful.
Whether you fight it or give in to it is up to you.

You are very intuitive and wise.
You understand the world better than most people.
You also have a very active imagination.
You often get carried away with your thoughts.
You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy.
You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

...(haha) half true?

_______________________________________________

"jonas brothers - please be mine"

they come and go
but they dont know
that you are my beautiful

i try to come
closer with you
but they all say
we wont make it through

but i'll be there forever
you will see that its better
all our hopes and our dreams will come true
i will not disappoint you
i'll be right there for you 'til the end
the end of time
please be mine

i'm in and out
of love with you
trying to find
if its really true
oh no no no no
how can i prove my love
if they all think i'm not good enough

but i'll be there forever
you will see that its better
all our hopes and our dreams will come true
i will not disappoint you
i'll be right there for you 'til the end
the end of time
please be mine

i cant stop the rain from falling
cant stop my heart from calling you
its calling you
i cant stop the rain from falling
cant stop my heart from calling you
its calling you
i cant stop the rain from falling
cant stop my heart from calling you
its calling you

but i'll be there forever
you will see that its better
all our hopes and our dreams will come true
i will not disappoint you
i'll be right there for you 'til the end
the end of time
please be mine

_______________________________________________

i feel that its time i got a little more (or much more in fact) involved in class activities or i might very well just move on regretting 2008.

gahh manzxc i have gotta get back the feel of my passes and everything.
sheesh at today's trainingg.
and the stupiiddddd shin. tape removing proccess was painful (well, haha). and i looked absolutely hilarious/ridiculous/funny with both my calves wrapped up.
mp told me to visit a physio (if i recover in time i wont look that dumb during thirdfourthplayoff) but but but but i am afraiddddddd (of dont know what). tsk.

manzxc, hear my stomach growl.
grrrreeeaaaaaaaatttttttt.

feeling extremely jealous of jerald goh jun hao now.

and really grr-ed with my g.aunt.

xoxo, please be mine
ciao.

i want you and i want you to want me, please

i'm reallyy tired as in drooping eyelids and all that because i hardly slept yesterday night.

edward (cullen), sighhhhhhh you dont know how you make me feel, do you?

and sunflower anonymous. i'm sorta, tired of mind games. i wish you'd just tell me who you are. it might be fun to keep mum and be anon and all that, but now's not the best time for games like this.

because (right) now i want people/person/whatever to just tell me how they (really) feel.

yesterday was one super unhappening day. i spent my whole afternoon thinking and thinking and thinking. tsk.

because you live (and breathe),
because you make me believe in myself (when nobody else could help),
i find myself taking the breaths just to stay (for you)
ciao.

i miss you, dang i miss you, why do i miss you

the title says it all.

today is one of those dead days i just feel like sleeping (not getting up), lazying around and just doing naught. so apathetic.
oh but i've been thinking a lot.
gapes, i had something really impt to blog about but its slipped off my mind.
irritating, grrrrzxc.

talking to trik cracks me up a whole lot -

s: ... (something private) i want to sleep. goodnight.

t: sleep? but the day is so young. haha whatever, bye. ohyes i was at bukit merah library just now, and i remembered smth very funny. hahaha.

s: so r and j-ish can, the day is so young. what? the random old man? what? what? gosh i'm frozen.

t: yeah. now you know i listen in class. haha yep the old man and his teachings. i cant remember what he said leh. you're sleeping in the fridge is it?

s: he said to put stuff back where it belonged. like, someth to do with kitchen or what, right? uh, and speak english. something like that. ya... in the freezer.

t: YES! hahahahaha. so funny. oi girl, are you a piece of pork?

s: ... (other ridiculous stuff e.g. saying that i'm ice man/ice girl etc, you know)

i cant seem to concentrate on anyth right now at the moment, tsk.
and oh manzxc, is that my g.aunt singing?

i feel as if i have one foot in the grave alr. i feel dead, oh wait dead people feel nothing.
i have two jammed fingers, a shin splint (according to ms puva) and i can hardly lift my right arm. plus my heart hurts (as in, literally, not emotionally). ohwell.

i smell different today (all thanks to the new baby bath my maid mis-bought) and i like it. boo.

i want my playdoh please,
ciao.