when you walk away, i count the steps that you take, do you see how much i need you right now

went to town (not exactly cos it was just city hall, raffles place and marina square) really early in the morning and shopped plentiful with cleo (and a little with yeyun). ohwell satisfied cos i got P.S I Love You, bought donuts, and a shirt. that funkaye dudette bought really exotic stuff like erotic art candles and chains and a weird sci-fi book. anyw i felt so under-dressed standing beside her cos i was in my rag camp tee and fbts while she dressed up pretty much as usual.

met up with the team and the first chapter of the book was so saddening i was trying not to let my tears fall. or maybe something else had to do with how i felt, i dont know.
went for nsl cip and yes got a complimentry black volunteers shirt (of all colours). i have an issue with black. dont ask.
got a little bored here and there but i must admit that the hours are easy to clock, plus i was hardly perspiring it was really exciting watching ms chen and whoever whoever whoever whoever play.
anyw, it was scary cos midway, the parental department brought like the co-units to come check on me. i'll very much rather think of it as "support" though, tsk.

urgh, how do i put these emotions and everyth in words?
more than you know.
i love you more than you know.
i need you more than you know.
i want you more than you know.
i want you to be happy more than you know.
i want you to not shed a tear more than you know.
maybe its how i express myself or the way i put it across, i dont know.
i dont know how to be there sometimes cos i feel that i'll just be imposing, and that there is someone else so much more capable of providing you with all the comfort you need.
sometimes i feel that you dont want or need me.
afraid of that fact, even.
i dont know why, honestly.
you have no idea how heartbroken i was just now.
i feel like i could be just replaced, or if you didnt need my pressence you could order me away.
well if you would feel happier without me, i'll go for sure.
i just want to honour my silent promise.
i wish you'd tell me what you want from me more directly sometimes.
i wish you'd give me the courage to give you the strength.
i know i shouldnt be reliant or dependent on you all the time but somehow that seems to be the case.
you are the drug that's not the high but the pill.
how i feel is vastly affected by you/how you feel.
what must i say/how to i say to make you understand?
i'm sorry/nosorry.

another silent promise.

why,
ciao.