today was a better day,

and my shots uh, haha :D

shooting like wee early in the morning

makes me feel less unhappy/emo/stressed.

thats why i'm bugging my shooters to come down with me.

training had an element of fun in it today.

cos ms chen took us attackers!

and she's real funny and cartoon and cute,

training's becoming interesting.

and boyfriend number one stalked her just now.

defenders had mp as usual,

then combined and played after that.

one word - slack (ah).

anyw, gah.

suddenly i am not excited abt the jnrs anymore.

cos ___ and i also found out someth today.

i mean, its been a whole year alr.

i dont want you to _____.

all that you've put in, everyth you've done for us.

we once said that its either ______ as a ____ or ____.

it'll just be so awfully different if you ____ __.

as far as i am concerned,

i definitely will not let you be ________ just like that.

but you've gotta work doubly, triply hard youself and prove it to __.

i dont know how to push you harder

without telling you the truth.

but i dont want to be the one to break the news.

and when its confirmed, i dont know.

cos i cant do anyth.

but we've come a long way as a ____.

and we'll face season/it tgt.

with you :D

you're irreplaceable.

lang arts really rocks to the (apple) core.

ohyes and we got our groupings alr.

not bad not bad, but its gonna be after all a fresh team.

so rvnb all the way, loves.

i dont want it to turn out that way.

i'll just keep praying.

i'll faithfully keep my faith,

and hopefully my faith keeps you here.

tgt, alright.

actually i wish i didnt know at all.

almost teared on the spot.

___ appeared so strong,

but i bet she was almost crumbling inside.

why why why?

and i cant do anyth lor dang this.

i'll make you stay.

ciao.

i am a soldier who's lost her soul
marching onward to nowhere land

i'm a fallen soldier
kneeling on the battleground
this fight is done i've faltered
wearing the loser's crown
the last sword is drawn, and
the last tear is shed
and one last poison arrow
shoots straight in my head.

i wrote the whole thing during chinese lesson.
although i was sitting right in front.

i hope i survive tmr's training given my ____ condition.
i dont want to be a disappointment.
seriously.
i'd rather bear with the ____, and continue,
cos i'll give it all for you all.
i said i wanted it to last.

hello this is for you again.
you found my blog yeah you.
didnt know that you could come up with such meaningful statements.
like those in the longest ever message.
thank you, bib/beep.
and i am a living example of the someone
who can be ___/un_____ for such a long time.
gah, i need to talk.
listen would you.

i think fish has sorted out her stuff alr.
but my case is like, worst.
thinking too much makes one emo fullstop.
but if i dont think i'll never get things back in place again.

its official that CYCP has disbanded.
now i've nothing left.
maybe i'm regretting my choice,
but then again they seem to be doing great without me so thats that.

hopefully, tmr will be a better day.
but i'm alr losing my faith, its alr half a battle lost.
ciao. the future is bleak, no one knows what will happen tmr.

i think i am having my mid-life crisis.
yes, at the age of thirteen-going-on-fourteen.
which means that i'll prolly die when i'm twenty-eight.

swimming today.
i need a diet fullstop

gah D:
i cant believe i cried cos of what mp said.
maybe i can, cos her words/yells/shouts
came down on me like poison arrows i had no shield against.
"what the hell are you doing?"
"you are screwing up the whole play, where are you running?"
"i am very disappointed in you."
"i am very disappointed in you."
i really feel like i'm pulling all of you down.
dont need me.
back to square one, you all dont need me.
it feels bad, like real bad,
trying hard yet not succeed,
and get taunted and screamed and shouted at.
its like, i'm trying but i cant do it.
i tried, but even that is not enough.
nothing is enough.
whatever i do, nothing is good enough.
sometimes i'd rather not try.
cos i'll know why i got scolded.
or screamed at or shouted at or anyth.
it'll be cos i didnt put in the effort to even try in the first place.
maybe it wont hurt so bad.

why do things always not work out the way i want them to?
when i try, everyth goes wrong.
netball, jam, the grandaunt, parents, studying,
friends, relationships.
am i not doing enough?
perhaps so.
but i'm really tired.
no one knows those line of thoughts that have been
repeating in my head these nights over and over again.
no one sees that crying has become a nightly routine,
and sometimes i run out of those tears.
no one feels the way i do,
like its the end of the world and i have nothing else to look forward to.
cos i dont know what i am doing,
and why i am even doing it.

smile broken heart.
speak empty mind.
strong die inside.
love letting go.

for all those words you said just now.
on looking on the brighter side,
making me laugh halfway when ms puva was speaking.
i never thought that what i wrote to you
would have such an impact.
and you sent it back to me.
"hey trik, rmb that no matter what happens,
EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE IN THE END!
and that means:
if things are not fine,
ITS NOT THE END."
but you know someth?
i feel like the only END that is coming,
is the end of the world.
its not that mp has high expectations of me,
its just that i fall short of that basic expectation itself.
disappointed.
so am i, actually.
and its not bad luck streak cos i dont believe in luck.
whatever it is, neopets is still the best.
cos - its like the only private thing i can do without crying.
aye,
soon i'll be growing long(er) hair
and i'll live under a bridge.
and i'll die of over-depression.
gahhhhhhhhhhh.
just thank you okay.
for still believing in me.

if things still dont work out,
i'm gonna heck-care.
whether its a waste cos we have come so far,
or whether its someth i know i wont be able to let go.
not now, or ever.
i'll just heck-care.
cos i'm tired.
and i admit defeat.

quit yelling at me,
i've become immune to your words.
and i wont try to be a better grandniece anymore.
go on and do whatever you like.
cos i dont care.
heck care.

thats the way.
i admit defeat.

ciao.

3 Doors Down- Here Without You

A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
And I don't think I can look at this the same
But all the miles that separate
Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me

The miles just keep rollin'
As the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated
But I hope that it gets better as we go

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl its only you and me

Everything I know, and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it wont take away my love
And when the last one falls
When it's all said and done
It gets hard but it wont take away my love

I'm here without you baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby
But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl its only you and me



Rascal Flatts - What Hurts The Most

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok
But that's not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin' to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' It
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do
Not seeing that loving you
That's what I was trying to do
Ooohhh....



FM Static - Tonight

I remember the times we spent together
on those drives
We had a million questions
all about our lives
and when we got to New York
everything felt right
I wish you were here with me
tonight

I remember the days we spent together
were not enough
and it used to feel like dreamin'
except we always woke up
Never thought not having you
here now would hurt so much

Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And every night I miss you
I can just look up
and know the stars are
holdin' you, holdin' you, holdin' you tonight

I remember the time you told me
about when you were eight
And all those things you said
that night that just couldn't wait
I remember the car you were last seen in
and the games we would play
All the times we spilled our coffees
and stayed out way too late
I remember the time you sat an told me
about your Jesus
and how not to look back
even if no one believes us
When it hurt so bad sometimes
not having you here...

I sing,
"Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And every night I miss you
I can just look up
and know the stars are
holdin' you, holdin' you, holdin' you tonight"

I sing,
"Tonight I've fallen and I can't get up
I need your loving hands to come and pick me up
And every night I miss you
I can just look up
and know the stars are
holdin' you, holdin' you, holdin' you tonight"



The Last Goodnight - Incomplete

Can I have your attention please
If you didn't want the garden why did you plant the seed?
Your making promises that you never keep
Now you deal with the consequences down on your knees

And maybe we will do this for the rest of our lives
Maybe we will live forever
And maybe we don't have to think it's right
And maybe we will

I don't feel what you feel
I don't want to feel this incomplete
No one here can tell me
How to fill this space between
Everyone knows you're my one regret
Everyone knows you're my one weakness

The butterfly, the butterfly is beautiful but soon will die
Will spread its wings in the eternal sky
Eternal light with everything that's on its mind
You'll never believe this

And maybe we will do this for the rest of our lives
Maybe we will live forever
And maybe we don't have to think it's right
And maybe we will

I don't feel what you feel
I don't want to feel this incomplete
No one here can tell me
How to fill this space between
Everyone knows you're my one regret
Everyone knows you're my one weakness

The butterfly, the butterfly is beautiful but soon will die
Will spread its wings in the eternal sky
Eternal light with everything that's on its mind
You'll never believe this
And I can see you now reaching out for me
And I can feel you now setting yourself free

I don't feel what you feel
I don't want to feel this incomplete
No one here can tell me
How to fill this space between
Everyone knows you're my one regret
Everyone knows you're my one weakness

And maybe we will do this for the rest of our lives
Maybe we will live forever
And maybe we don't have to think it's right
And maybe we will

The butterfly, the butterfly is beautiful but soon will die
Will spread its wings in the eternal sky
Eternal light with everything that's on its mind
You'll never believe this

______________________________


dont know what to say abt today.
spent the whole morning devicing a plan,
but didnt get to put it to use in the end.
okay maybe i had a chance but i didnt dare to do it.
gahhhhhhhhhhh.
talked to fish, anyw.

all the things i wanted to tell you.
all those little stuff i thought you might listen to.
but all i feel now is a strong force that isnt the pulling,
but the repelling.
fish is right.
i played with fire and i got burnt.
its hurting and i'm trying to undo it.
can you see that i am doing all sorts
and resorting to different means
to try to get you talking to me again?
however much i do
i dont think you even feel anyth anymore.
it takes two hands to clap,
and it takes two parties to make someth workout.
a friendship, a relationship, whatever.
you dont know,
but i really trusted you.
and i told you things i wouldnt have told anyone else.
i felt comfortable and secure with you.
tears could come down naturally when you're here,
though i'd always hold them back.
i felt a sense of in a way, belonging.
a connection perhaps?
whatever that word is.
i just felt that i had someone to care for,
and that person cared for me too.
i mean it.
then i guess i thought too much at a certain point of time,
and i decided to do someth i now regret, a lot.
now it feels weird, cos i know you'd rather talk to
blah bloh bleh and hee hor har.
you'd rather laugh it all out with anyone else but me.
and you know how that feels?
it feels wickedly heartbreaking.
the bond will either become stronger, or it will gradually fade away.
and it'll be total dumbness and simply gah-ed,
if everyth breaks apart - just like that.
i'm saying it out now,
that i dont want it to fade away.
i want to confide in you
and show you my darkest skeletons and
all the stuff i've been hiding in the closet.
i want to be able to tell you all personally, face-to-face,
all that i have written in that letter.
i want to let you know how i feel
and i want to know how you feel, too.
i hope that the person i can lean on,
can hold on to, can laugh with,
can cry with, can whatever and anyth with,
is you.
cos you gave me that very strong feeling,
like i could stand up again, when i was at my lowest.
i mean it, really.
sometimes i wish you looked at me the same,
like how i looked at you.
the trust, the faith, the love, and all that.
if you would just tell me why you'd cry,
tell me if you were sad, or happy,
or share with me abt your day because you felt like telling me.
sometimes i really wish that you'd treat me as a friend.
a good friend.
and not just an ____________,
or a ____-__ ____ when _______ or anyone else was not there.
dont know if i appeared cold,
or if i appeared to be ignoring your pressence,
to you.
but that was exactly what i intended to do the past few days.
if you felt it, i'm sorry.
frankly, selfishly, i hope it bothered you.
but it apparently didnt.
tried, tested, and proven.
dao-ing/being cold/ignoring does nothing
but harm to one's friendship/relationship.
i want to go back to where we were,
one week ago (or around that time).
or, for that matter, anytime!
i just dont want to feel this way.
like you and i so distant.
dont know if you feel it, but i feel it.
so incomplete.
anyw, you know,
i was worried when you ________ ____ _____.
i was worried when you _____ and i didnt know why.
really.
and when i said i miss you,
i mean it.
hurts that you didnt feel the same.
what i feel like doing now,
is going on a cable car with you.
which is 101% impossible given the dire state we're in,
and all the other conditions.
if you ever come across this post,
(i'm actually hoping you would, dont ask why)
its for you - sereno.
(and just to let you know, i didnt spend your money on drinking in the end.)

i'm going to continue trying.
and if things dont work out,
gah. i know that i tried anyw.

we have joy, we have fun,
we have SEASON in the sun.
in eight days.
i really want c'div to go far.
this is ours, people.
it is.

talking to mattie has been fun.
just that he constantly makes fun of me.
i dont get disturbed, anyw.
so he has been self delusioning all the while.
cos i am not the least affected.
hahaha.

swimming's tmr.
cant wait anymore,
diet has to start today.
right now.

and you should go to asylum.
oh wait, i should be the one.
you are driving me crazy.
the main reason why i'm staying out is cos you are here.
if anyone should leave, its you.
like what you said, its my house aint it?
you're such a hypocrite,
i'm disgusted.
i dont want to try to be a good grandniece anymore.
i think i tried real hard,
but now that i think of it.
you dont deserve it.
i'll give you that basic respect - but thats that.

what a long post.
and i still needa complete my holiday homework.
gahhhhhhhhhh.

do you know how it feels like,
loving someone, who's in a rush to throw you away?
do you know how it feels like,
to be the last one, to know the lock to the door has changed?
you dont - i do.

emo?

ciao.

disclaimer: this post is solely for self-entertainment.

went to subway at vivo to study/do homework with trik and kristal.

and surprisingly, haha, i was the one who did the most work.

but i'm also the one who still has the most left undone, so yeah.

nothing to be proud of actually.

then went around in search of another dress.

i've been feeling super uh, dressy and classy and glam.

and i almost wore a skirt today.

why?

cos i felt like it.

horror horror, what has the world come to?

sarah's becoming a niang-sy.

today's a happy day.

trik's funny expressions and ultra-lameness,

kristal's hysterical laughter and dress-sense.

they crack me up. hahaha.

and, camwhoring.

*pose* *flash* *capture* *delete* and the cycle repeats.

and trik loves taking candids.

super fortunate it was my own camera.

or else, those unglam pics - in trik's hands.

tsk, i cant imagine what will happen.

all the smiles (in the pic) were genuine.

i tried to talk to you today,

but, gah, i ended up D:

heartbroken.

i want to develop a lot a lot of photos.

and frame them all up,

and paste them on my hot pink/bright yellow walls.

i want a solar system on my ceiling.

i want that big book of stars.

i really want to take a cable car.

and drink as well, gah.

i'll sing my last note properly, this time.

i am an arms dealer,

fitting you with weapons in the form of words.

and dont really care, which side wins,

as long as the room keeps singing,

thats just the business i'm in.

but then again i do miss you a lot.
but i bet you dont feel the same.

ciao.

sudden urge to take cable car.
and i desperately want a bacardi.
D:

the 2008 music prom's like,
heyday so soon.
i've got my dress and my heels
and my pouch and everyth else ready.
but i've got this insance thought -
that i'll just run out halfway
and disappear and just, you know.
jamsters, jamsters, jamsters.
go or dont go, hur?

non lyrical post.

today was horrid.
cos training was horrid.
yeyun fell and scraped her knee.
just thinking of her wound makes me.. sick.
i really didnt mean to scare the sec1s with my reaction.
but i seriously cant stand the sight of blood.
i was very scared just now.
i dont know how to describe it alr.
c'div knows.

then went out with trik.
had our diet meals at queensway.
then we walked like two/three bus stops.
talked, crapped, laughed.
we each got a part of the sky,
named the lampost,
asked each other impossible questions,
played the telepathy game,
and everyth else.
and ty for that inspiring wo si wo zai story.
i was just acting dumb when i said that
i didnt want to be the reincarnation of na4 bo1 lun2.
i got what you mean actually, it did help.
anyw, missed a thousand buses.
and trik was super late for tuition - or not.
never thought i'd ever be out at with trik at that time.
when the sky was like that dark alr.
gah, maybe today's not that horrid after all.

wrote that letter to clau today.
i feel empty too.
really.

and maybe i'm trying, trying too hard.
so much that i'm tearing us apart.

you make me laugh a hell lot.
but its all just on the outer surface.
it feels great to be smiling and everyth around you,
and every smile was genuine.
random talk and insane nonsense.
but i cant help but feel empty.
just really desolate and airy.
empty.

absence makes the heart grow fonder.
vs
out of sight, out of mind.

i miss you all.

i miss you.

now that you are back,
i am trying really hard to suit your needs and go along with you.
but what do you take me for?
did you even think of how i felt when you said all those words?
i doubt you did, cos it shot me right in the heart.
all i want is to be a good grandniece,
but you are not giving me that chance.

you dont understand.

slipaway/watching from a distance?
will i even last?

read your blog.
if i really gave you that feeling,
i guess you could have just turned your back on me.
and i didnt want to feel that way either actually.

tonight, bah.

ciao.