i think i am having my mid-life crisis.
yes, at the age of thirteen-going-on-fourteen.
which means that i'll prolly die when i'm twenty-eight.

swimming today.
i need a diet fullstop

gah D:
i cant believe i cried cos of what mp said.
maybe i can, cos her words/yells/shouts
came down on me like poison arrows i had no shield against.
"what the hell are you doing?"
"you are screwing up the whole play, where are you running?"
"i am very disappointed in you."
"i am very disappointed in you."
i really feel like i'm pulling all of you down.
dont need me.
back to square one, you all dont need me.
it feels bad, like real bad,
trying hard yet not succeed,
and get taunted and screamed and shouted at.
its like, i'm trying but i cant do it.
i tried, but even that is not enough.
nothing is enough.
whatever i do, nothing is good enough.
sometimes i'd rather not try.
cos i'll know why i got scolded.
or screamed at or shouted at or anyth.
it'll be cos i didnt put in the effort to even try in the first place.
maybe it wont hurt so bad.

why do things always not work out the way i want them to?
when i try, everyth goes wrong.
netball, jam, the grandaunt, parents, studying,
friends, relationships.
am i not doing enough?
perhaps so.
but i'm really tired.
no one knows those line of thoughts that have been
repeating in my head these nights over and over again.
no one sees that crying has become a nightly routine,
and sometimes i run out of those tears.
no one feels the way i do,
like its the end of the world and i have nothing else to look forward to.
cos i dont know what i am doing,
and why i am even doing it.

smile broken heart.
speak empty mind.
strong die inside.
love letting go.

for all those words you said just now.
on looking on the brighter side,
making me laugh halfway when ms puva was speaking.
i never thought that what i wrote to you
would have such an impact.
and you sent it back to me.
"hey trik, rmb that no matter what happens,
EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE IN THE END!
and that means:
if things are not fine,
ITS NOT THE END."
but you know someth?
i feel like the only END that is coming,
is the end of the world.
its not that mp has high expectations of me,
its just that i fall short of that basic expectation itself.
disappointed.
so am i, actually.
and its not bad luck streak cos i dont believe in luck.
whatever it is, neopets is still the best.
cos - its like the only private thing i can do without crying.
aye,
soon i'll be growing long(er) hair
and i'll live under a bridge.
and i'll die of over-depression.
gahhhhhhhhhhh.
just thank you okay.
for still believing in me.

if things still dont work out,
i'm gonna heck-care.
whether its a waste cos we have come so far,
or whether its someth i know i wont be able to let go.
not now, or ever.
i'll just heck-care.
cos i'm tired.
and i admit defeat.

quit yelling at me,
i've become immune to your words.
and i wont try to be a better grandniece anymore.
go on and do whatever you like.
cos i dont care.
heck care.

thats the way.
i admit defeat.

ciao.