it was right at my fingertips

but for the xth time, i let it slip away

someone once told me (or rather i read from somewhr) that she hates the fact that i think/infer too much. but i feel that things arent as simple as they seem at times.

so now while i'm blogging here in the comfort of my own home, the team should be slogging it out on court.
i'm gna gym and run ltr on to feel less guilty. and maybe head over to KNC to train with the snrs

today, i woke up at 6.15AM to eat breakfast. i usually dont.

i clipped up my hair.

i brought a towel.

i took 97e instead of 97 at the bus berth for fear of being late for training.

yet i never did get to do courtwork, because i was sent home by ms loo for not wearing the school skirt :(

i dont deserve this. not an inch of me deserves it.
i'm not working hard enough.
i'm not committed enough.
i'm not driven enough.
i dont give enough a damn.
i'm not responsible enough.
i'm not disciplined enough. not enough to even find myself another fking skirt.
once, twice, now three times.
boy have i learnt my lesson.

you told me, "you're capable of much more than what you're doing now, but are you willing to work for it? if you put in 100% in all your trainings, i can assure that you'll get into b'div."

but i guess it isnt just abt getting into the team and playing for the sch and winning and having recognition.
thr's so much more to being a true netballer.
it isnt just abt being in a club and matching up with all the better players around.
thr's more to this, thr has to be.
it's not just flinging balls across the court, its not just sprinting and jumping and dodging and rolling and lunging and clearing and changing of direction and killing of braincells etc
i know thr is a whole new level i have yet to reach nor experience.

its one thing to go all out using your physique,
and another to go all out using your heart.

RV netballer? nah, what netballer..

i need my identity back.