and between now and then, till i see you again

i'll be loving you. love, me

there was A(ustralian)M(aths)C(ompetition) today and i really dont know where my mind was when i was doing it. i wouldnt be surprised if the results come back really badddddd
but shitzxc its graded yeah i see my 3.5GPA out of reach. my (new) laptop too :(
hhahha but then when we checked answers trik seemed to have done worst than i did :O

after everything ended (fish + trik) hyungs kristal and i went to shoot. um i think the shooters accumulated a lot (like srsly a lot) of shots from previous days !!! the figures scare. and trik said "i've got 400 shots" (or some similar 3-digit figure) like as if its like.. like a.. a.. a.. whatever.
like its easy-peasy lemon-squeezy.
hahah do you like get what i mean?

fish left soon after, and then we talked abt some freaking hilarious thingum which kristal refuses to let me post about !!! so you can sort of guess its more or less about her.
hahaahha. or maybe i can leak one teeny weeny bit out:
"peter!"
"peter, who?"
"peter pan."
everything is funnaye with fe(r)n shen and trik (and lois) around :D
KLBFO !!! whoops
i think trik and i deserve the cupids status. ar?

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the truth is that everyone dies. there is no escaping the grim-reaper. there is nowhere and no way to hide when the church bells call for you.
yet, even after a person gets taken away, its soul lingers on - sometimes in a beloved's heart, sometimes in the barn where it was ruthlessly murdered.
every second, someone's daughter, brother, mother, grandfather, best friend or spouse returns to the maker. knowing the figures, however, does not make it any easier for the ones left behind to accept the cold fact.

when Grace died, she brought lots of hearts - living, bleeding ones - with her to heaven. one of them belonged to me.

she was lying on the hospital bed. she was drifting away, she knew her time had come.
her once-beautiful black tresses had fallen off because of chemotherapy.
there she lay, her bald head covered by a woollen cap handmade by her grandmother.
i looked at her, my eyes welling up with tears of defeat.
she, who refused to wear a wig because she insisted on being 'real', took hold of my trembling hands.
a wave of calmness surged through my body.

"dont." she said.
i squeezed her hand and tilted my head backwards, my tears spilling over in the act.

"dont," she said again. "dont give up on me."

i was unable to look her in the eye. "i wont." i muttered. i didnt know who if it was her or myself i was convincing.

she pulled me closer. "you think i'll go. that's why you are crying."

"i'm.. sorry." i sobbed. it was true that i had lost all hope. i knew there was no light at the end of the tunnel.
i spent my last two months in the hospital with her. i had seen her eyes fill with agony.
i had seen her struggle with the intense treatment.

"you will remember me, wont you?" a playful smile swept across her face. then she laughed, her sound like a bell - melodious, lovely.
i tried to remember it, replaying it over and over again in my head.

"yes." i assured her.

"she who loves forever, lives forever." she whispered in my ear when i moved in for a hug.
after a blessed minute, i withdrew, much as i didnt want to.

"you should get going now. isnt your dad waiting downstairs?" she asked gently.
i nodded my head and swallowed the lump in my throat.
i walked unwilling to the door, every step a mile seeping between us.

"hey," i spun around. "goodbye."
much as we didnt want to admit it, we both knew it was our last goodbye.
she was about to say something when she choked in a sudden outburst of a coughing fit. Swiftly, she cupped her hand over her mouth. then she balled her hand into a fist.
finger by finger she opened it up, like it was a gift she was presenting to me.
thick red liquid was splattered all over her palm. it was blood. Grace coughed blood.

"no big deal. now go!" she instructed.
i took one last look at her, imprinting all her delicate features in my mind forever.

then i turned my back to her.
and i ran, taking along all our precious memories with me.
flashbacks: memories of us giggling in the changing room, laughing hysterically while trying on misfitting clothings;
us prank-calling the guys when we slept over at my place;
us gorging ourselves with ben and jerrys' during a sad movie;
and us eating our pizzas backwards after that.

i am still running, and i still hope to run into you one day.

for Grace, whom i know is watching over me from a peephole, or what we call a star, in the sky.

- 31 July 10.18AM

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okayi i feel sad now.
waited in vain
xoxo