i'm walking on broken glass

the irregularity of my heartbeat messed up the rhythm of the song blasting in my ear. i winced as gerard way hollered through the last verse of i dont love you.
i widened my steps and quickened my pace, narrowing the gap between us.
then you were in reach; i stuck out my right hand but i retrieved it just as quickly.
i reached out for your hand again as soon as i gained composure, but you casually shook it off.
unconvinced, i took another deep breath as though i could suck in courage from the surrounding air and lunged for you. forcefully, you twisted my arm away.
my confidence unaltered, i tried yet another time. i got the same reaction, just stronger.
i questioned myself silently, had i been taking this hand which i thought would be holding mine forever for granted?
i tugged at the cloth around your thighs and you spun around facing me. shock flowed like a current, electrocuting all the nerves in my body. my jaw tightened.
the glare in your eyes was filled with accusation. each tear that cascaded down your cheeks was like a charge; i was convicted.
i tried to pull you towards me, but there was a boulder (both physical and emotional) in the way.
i grasped your hand against your will but it was might over mind, you refused to entwine your fingers around mine.
heavy tears fell as you you shook your head, your piercing gaze staring straight back into my pleading one.
my heart flipped, i felt like i had just been kicked in the stomach.
then a surge of disbelief and a little anger careered into me, i turned my back against you and stormed off.
you headed in the other direction.
at that moment a part of me wanted to turn back and run towards you and hold you tightly (even if you wouldnt let me), but a more dominant part of me chose to preserve my pride.
my eyes welled up with tears of guilt and sadness as i continued walking.
i never did turn back for a last glance.
but, what had i done?
i'd fucking screwed things up.
i'm sorry i'm a fucking asshole.
i'm sorry i'm a fucking bastard.
i'm sorry i'm a fucking fucktard.
i was fucking self-centred and i treated you what you fucking didnt deserve.
honestly, what the fucking hell had i done?
the tears flowed freely as i thought about all those silent promises i had made to myself. i ignored the stares and the incoherent mumbles as i slumped against the railing of the berth, already flushed and dishevelled.
all that about wanting you to be happy. bullshit.
all that about never wanting to be deserving of your tears, or rather never letting you shed a tear again. bullshit.
i closed my eyes tightly as if the fear that was kicking in could be rid off by doing so.
i wish i never had to open them, fuck.

- March 31 2008